Tag Archives: dating

Attraction Sex Vs. Transactional Sex

Male and female sexuality is different. A man will only have sex with a woman to whom he is physically attracted. She must at least turn him on enough to give him an erection. A woman will also have sex with a guy who turns her on; call this attraction-based sex. However, unlike a man she also has the capacity to have transactional sex, which is sex in exchange for some benefit from the man. Things women will exchange for sex include: money, status, listening to her shit, doing things for her, buying her gifts, etc.

The two modes are not mutually exclusive. Most sex that takes place is some mixture of attraction-based and transactional. With escorts it’s typically purely transactional, though an escort may sometimes be attracted to her client, it’s a rare bonus for her. Fucking a stranger in the bathroom within 10 minutes of meeting her is purely attraction-based. An actress who fucks a producer to get a role – transactional. Fuck buddy sex – mostly attraction based.

Marriage and relationship sex is partly attraction-based, but with a hefty dose of transactional mixed in. Think of the boyfriend who picks up his girlfriend from work, or takes her out to a fancy restaurant. And think of the husband who financially supports the wife and children, while the wife stays at home or works an easier, lower paying job.

A lot of guys are uneasy about transactional sex. They see it clearly with prostitution, but are hesitant to admit it with relationships and marriage. Even with prostitution many johns like to be told by the prostitute how much they turn her on. The prostitute usually obliges as she caters to her client’s wishes. I’m sorry to burst your bubble fellas, but escorts typically bang you in exchange for cash and not for any other reason. Your girlfriend too, while she is likely attracted to you, she is also partly in it for the benefits.

We are much better off letting go of our egos and accepting female sexuality as it is rather than how we’d like it to be. This explicit distinction between transactional and attraction-based sex can help us make better decisions about our sex lives. There is nothing wrong with transactional sex in principle. Unfortunately the terms of the transaction tend to be unfavorable for men.

Let’s look at the different modes of transactional sex available to a man. First there are escorts, which I view as a mutually beneficial transaction. The advantages of escorts are:
1)    They are pros and usually good in bed and they are there to please you.
2)    The exact price is known upfront.
3)    It’s a sure thing.

Sex with a sugar mama is similar. It’s like hiring an escort on retainer, an intermediate step between prostitution and dating. Taking on a sugar mama still allows you to explicitly negotiate the terms, so I consider it a viable option.

Contrast this with dating. While dating is not the same thing as prostitution, there are clear parallels. Dating is a transactional system rigged against the man. You don’t know how many dates it’s going to take, you don’t know how much you’re going to end up spending, and you’re not guaranteed a lay at the end. She may simply drop you after a few dates. And if you do end up in a sexual relationship, she may suck in bed, and you’ll have to keep paying uncertain costs. Within casual relationships (i.e. fuck buddies) the quality of sex is also uncertain, but at least you don’t invest much.

Marriage is even worse. A wife is kind of like a prostitute with government protection. As is the case with all government protection, the protected group benefits at the expense of the consumer. Witness countless guys for whom sex dries up immediately after the wedding. In some instances your newlywed wife will even say that she need not have sex anymore since you’re married now. Then there is divorce, where you stand to lose half your assets and pay alimony, sometimes for life. Imagine how much hot escort pussy you could indulge in with all that money!

Of course, most women don’t view relationships and marriage as transactional sex. They believe that they’re allowing romance to develop and love to blossom. This is just self-delusion that keeps her from facing the unpalatable reality. Most civilian chicks don’t like to think of themselves as anything resembling a prostitute. There are women who see things clearly. With rare exception they refuse to admit it and compromise their bargaining position.

All things considered, most times it doesn’t make sense to have transactional sex with civilian chicks because the terms of the transaction suck. Only with escorts and sugar mamas does it make sense, if their services are worth the price to you and you can afford it. Admittedly I have never actually paid for sex, so I don’t have direct experience, but consider that Hollywood celebrities and rock stars, who are not lacking in civilian pussy options, still often choose to go to escorts.

Since I am aiming primarily for attraction-based sex with civilian chicks I go for it quickly and I don’t waste time and money dating. When she is sufficiently physically attracted to you, she won’t require much before giving it up, so long as she feels reasonably safe and comfortable with you and so long as you are discreet. On the other hand, dating is a great way to overpay for sex. A chick may be attracted and down to fuck, but if you ask her on a date she’ll accept and see just how much you’re willing to invest. She just hit pay dirt: a guy who she’d fuck without much investment willing to invest!

Unfortunately chicks don’t typically let on when they’re attracted to you and often proactively hide the fact. See: The Tiger Analogy. So we’re stuck with escalating physically and finding out that way. I dealt with this in detail in She’s Just Not That Into You.

So we have transactional sex via socially approved routes (dating and marriage), which tend to greatly benefit women at men’s expense. We have the players who “use women for sex,” never mind that women have agency and repeatedly choose to have sex with the players. And then we have various forms of prostitution (escorts, sugar mamas), which are mutually beneficial arrangements, but are frowned upon by society.

If you’re like me you don’t put much value on societal approval and you’re free and happy as a result. This is especially cogent in light of the fact that society cares little for you as a man. I don’t care to be “respectable,” a “gentleman,” a “real man,” etc. I am just out there looking for the best deal for me regardless of anyone’s opinion. Personally if I’m going to be banging civilian chicks I prefer for it to be mostly attraction-based. This limits me to one-night stands and casual relationships. If I ever go the transactional route it will likely be with escorts. Here are the various methods of acquiring sex in rough order of my personal preference:

1)    Attraction-based sex via one-night stands and casual relationships, so long as it does not take much effort.

2)    Sex with escorts or sugar mamas.

3)    About equal standing: Celibacy or an unusually hot and easy-going girlfriend.

4)    “Serious” dating with your average chick, even if hot.

5)    Marriage or anything resembling it, like living together.

What about love and companionship? First of all, for most men, companionship is of secondary priority as compared with sex. Men are taught to value companionship over sex, but male biology is setup in the opposite manner. It’s instructive to ask yourself how much you desire her companionship the moment after you’ve just ejaculated inside her. Another thing to reflect on: how much of a typical chick’s companionship consists of her nagging and being moody?

It is not at all clear whether wives and girlfriends, on average, are better company than escorts or sugar mamas. Loveless marriages and relationships are not at all uncommon, while escorts are known for being great company. I noticed in my own relationships that it’s not so much her company that I enjoy, but rather touching her and being in physical contact with her.

I hate to be so pragmatic and unromantic, but fake love and true companionship are services that can be obtained from a quality escort or a sugar mama. So the only thing left is “real love,” which consists of a chick missing you, wanting to spend a lot of time with you, getting jealous, feeling possessive. On the positive side it includes: her caring for you, greater intimacy within the relationship, better sex. In my opinion real love can be a good thing on balance, when you can get it from a great woman who is compatible with you, but in most cases a chick who is in love with you is more of a liability.

If you’re very lucky and you have a girlfriend with whom you have great intimacy, who doesn’t ask too much and who is sexually available and eager to please, that’s great for you. But this is rare. My point is to that we need to perform a conscious cost-benefit analysis of the various ways of obtaining sex and decide which approach works best for us. We can perform this analysis much better when we have a more realistic view of female sexuality.

Women are just as clueless as guys

There is one implied notion that comes across from a lot of dating or feminist advice. It’s the idea that women are somehow socially perfect and that if you manage to improve your “game” enough, at the very least, you should get the majority of the women who are interested in you. However, what is much closer to the truth is that a lot of women are just as clueless as guys when it comes to dating, and that it takes two to tango.

Let me give you a few examples from my own experiences. I went to this stand-up comedy night. There was this girl who was constantly looking at me and smiling very seductively. From an acquaintance I knew that she was single. I walk up to her to chat for a bit. A little later in the evening when I was about to leave, I asked her whether she wants to do something with me on the weekend. Suddenly she gets all nervous and starts giving me some bullshit. So I said, “Okay, no problem.” and moved on.

Now it’s of course possible that I was wrong in assuming that she likes me but these days my intuition is pretty spot-on. I don’t know what the issue with her was, but in my view, I did my part of initiating the conversation, talking a bit and asking her out. Maybe she wanted to chat more, maybe she wanted to do some other shit. But the point is that every girl wants different things and you can only do so much. If the girl doesn’t do her part, there isn’t much you can do yourself.

I remember this one time in a bar when I was talking to a girl and we were having a good time. Things were heating up and I moved in really close. Suddenly the girl starts getting all mixed emotions and tells me in quick succession that I smell really good and about how she is still hurt because a guy of my nationality once dated her. He had promised that he would marry her but dumped her later on. A few days back, I was in bed with another girl watching a movie. We start getting a little cuddly, then we start making out and as I try to ramp up the physical escalation, she is like, “I am not sure if I want to do this. I still feel hurt from my last relationship,” and some other crap.

Other times, the issues could be much simpler. Say, you are out with your friends at some cool event, and text a girl to drop by as it’s going to be a lot of fun — and then she gets all weird and shy, thinks she doesn’t know about the event, wonders whether she’ll get along with the people there and whatnot. I remember this one time when I was about to go to a party on a private yacht with a friend. It was going to be a totally fancy party, with some drop-dead gorgeous people. In my view, it was a no brainer that if I invite someone they’ll come. I called up a female friend who lived close by and told her to come over. At first, she acted really pricey saying, “I don’t know, I am really tired.” In my head, I was, like, really?! I asked her once more, but she acted pricey again so I thought, “Fuck it.” But suddenly, when I told her, “OK. Don’t come,” she says, “Okay, I will come but I’m doing this only for you and you owe me for this!” I have had some friends tell me similar shit where they ask some girl out for a movie, and for no particular reason she will act really pricey and expect that the guy will ask her out two or three times before she will say yes.

In these situations you can be persistent and it’s quite possible that the girl will come around later but it’s also totally fine if you thought, “Fuck this. I don’t want to deal with this shit” and moved on. You played your part, and it takes two to tango. Yes, with experience you can sense better what the girl wants and turn those cases around. However, you can only lift so much of the weight she should be lifting. This is of course no excuse for you to not play your part, but a lot of the times it really isn’t your fault and there is only so much you can do.

Coming back to the original point, whenever someone tells you that you have to listen and relate with the girl, not make her appear like a slut, figure out her logistics, try to understand what she likes, text her at the right time when she is free, connect with her emotionally, organize an interesting date, keep the conversation fun, be persistent but not be clingy, be aggressive but don’t creep her out, make statements and don’t ask questions etc. — then, seriously, if you don’t want to, then just forget about it. If the girl is not playing her part, there is only so much you can do.

So next time, don’t bother so much about being smooth. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Don’t bother whether it’s an appropriate time to ask her out or whether you should talk some more with her. “Should I organize a coffee date or is it okay to straight call her over for a movie at my place?” “Is it okay to just text ’hey, what’s up how you doing’ or should I come up with something clever?”

Really, this is just another form of supplicating to women. Do your bit, i.e. initiate conversations, ask for her phone number, ask her out, make a move on a date, ask her to come home with you and so on, but don’t worry about being smooth or creating the perfect moment. It takes two to tango.Another related point is that in my experience, difficult women remain difficult. You might think, “Okay, let’s pursue this girl for a while even if I don’t really want to because maybe, after a while, she will be all normal and easygoing!” Transformations like that usually don’t happen. Please don’t think that I’m a misogynist. I don’t hate women. I’m just saying the truth when I say that you can only do so much. You can’t lift all the weight which she is supposed to. Also, please stop reading websites that refer to clueless men as nerds or geeks or losers or chumps or whatever because there’s an implied assumption that women really know what they are doing. But the truth is they are just as clueless as guys, if not more.

Selfish And Happy

[This is our first post on mating selfishness from one of our founding authors, it’s a very fine read]

I used to believe that you should “treat women right” and court them for as long as they desire, not make any moves on them until it is absolutely clear that your advances are welcome, and then if you are lucky enough to correctly guess all of her idiosyncrasies and accommodate them, well then you might even get to have sex with her!

It was with this mindset that I tried to find a girlfriend in high school. The first girl I ever asked out was super-friendly and pleasant with me. I invited her to hang out at the beach, she said she was “busy.” I knew I was rejected and it was painful. I went to the beach with my friends instead and guess who I run into?

The next girl I asked out, it was a similar story. Like many guys asking a girl out was pretty nerve-wrecking. I had to gather courage and prepare for days before I could do it. It was the kind of anxiety people get before speaking in public. The rejections I received were emotionally devastating, but I knew it was my role and so I accepted it.

Finally my senior year of high school I managed to find a girl who accepted my pedesatlizng and she became my girlfriend. The funny thing is that unlike the first two girls she behaved totally neutral towards me before I asked her out. Not hostile, but not particularly welcoming either. Nothing that could be interpreted as a sign of romantic interest.

That was my first lesson: some girls will be nice and pleasant and will do things that seem to indicate interest, but when you make moves on them, they will flat out reject you and may even act appalled that you would dare think they were ever interested. “I only think of you as a friend!” This has been confirmed in my own dating experience since, and in the dating experience of my friends.

That is not to say that some girls who act interested are in fact interested and some girls who act disinterested are in fact disinterested. For the average guy who doesn’t have an unusually high amount of experience with women it’s a guessing game, which is fine, except men are expected to be mind readers and to be able to perfectly discern the signals of the particular special snowflake they’re dealing with. In addition, some girls act interested in order to mislead and get romantic attention from you, the female equivalent of a guy leading a girl on in order to get sex.

Now back to my first girlfriend. Yeah I was getting laid, which is a big deal for a horny male teenager, but my whole goddamn life revolved around accommodating her moods and whims. My parents and my brother hated her, but I defended her non-existent honor with fervor. You couldn’t tell me shit. Whatever she wanted was right!

My overly-accommodating behavior stemmed for the idea that women’s feelings, desires, and needs are more important than men’s. But why should that be? I think there is a biological component to it. I believe it’s wired into most men’s brains to please women, but that’s not the whole story. Feminist ideology and our culture at large exploits this innate male predisposition and forces men into specific, female-approved dating roles.

Feminists don’t like traditional gender roles and I couldn’t agree more. As a man I reject my traditional role as provider and accommodater of women’s desires. Your job in life and dating need not be woman-pleasing. Feel free to reject any and all expectations that don’t suit YOUR goals and YOUR desires. Since women rarely ask guys out, you are already doing more than your fair share in dating just by asking her out. So since you are kind of forced to do that, focus on getting what YOU want out of the relationship.

For example, I reject the idea of going on elaborate dates. The most I do is coffee or a walk in the park. No dinners at my expense. I try to make sex happen ASAP and if it doesn’t happen after 3 dates (give or take), I am done with that girl. Once we’re having sex, I keep the relationship primarily about sex and a little bit of companionship because that is all I want.

I am not there to entertain her or romance her. That is not what *I* want. I don’t plan any special dates or anything of the sort. I have a friend who drives his girlfriend to and from work every morning. He doesn’t want to, but he feels he has to. Well it’s too bad he feels that way. He’d be a lot happier if he didn’t.

Actually lately I don’t bother with any dates at all. Occasionally I invite girls over to my place and if they don’t want to come over, that’s fine. I haven’t gotten laid once in the past year. Do I feel like loser? Nope. I might have in the past, but not anymore. Whether you’re getting laid or have a girlfriend is not a measure of your manhood or a reflection on you as a person. Porn is a fine substitute. That’s why feminists and many women rally against it so hard. (Not because it “exploits” women).

It may sound like my message to men is to be selfish. That is exactly my message. Don’t feel bad about it. If you step back for a moment and evaluate the situation, you may notice that we are just matching the selfishness of women. You’re just leveling the playing field and there isn’t a damn thing wrong with that. I am not saying you should conduct your affairs with women in the particular way that I do mine. Rather I encourage you to be honest with yourself about your needs and desires, prioritize what it is that YOU want, and don’t compromise.

Ever since I have adopted this selfish approach to dating, I have been immeasurably happier. It has liberating to shed all responsibilities that have been placed on me without my consent. For the man frustrated with his dating life, I hope this will help you see the root of your frustrations. It’s not you, it’s them! Or at the very least, it’s you AND them. I suggest you ease up on yourself stop blaming yourself for your “dating failures.” It takes two to tango and presently it’s mostly men on the dancefloor.

Women have a right to be Selfish in Mating, but so do men

 

The Selfish Gene
The Selfish Gene (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

There is currently a feminist-lead attack on men which is full of double-standards and double and triple binds.

The main idea in this trend is to imply and sometimes outright promote the double-standard that men aren’t allowed to be selfish in dating, whereas this is a god-given human right for women.

On this blog it is our contention to promote the idea of equality. Either both men and women have a right to be selfish, or neither one does.