All posts by TripleG

Attraction Sex Vs. Transactional Sex

Male and female sexuality is different. A man will only have sex with a woman to whom he is physically attracted. She must at least turn him on enough to give him an erection. A woman will also have sex with a guy who turns her on; call this attraction-based sex. However, unlike a man she also has the capacity to have transactional sex, which is sex in exchange for some benefit from the man. Things women will exchange for sex include: money, status, listening to her shit, doing things for her, buying her gifts, etc.

The two modes are not mutually exclusive. Most sex that takes place is some mixture of attraction-based and transactional. With escorts it’s typically purely transactional, though an escort may sometimes be attracted to her client, it’s a rare bonus for her. Fucking a stranger in the bathroom within 10 minutes of meeting her is purely attraction-based. An actress who fucks a producer to get a role – transactional. Fuck buddy sex – mostly attraction based.

Marriage and relationship sex is partly attraction-based, but with a hefty dose of transactional mixed in. Think of the boyfriend who picks up his girlfriend from work, or takes her out to a fancy restaurant. And think of the husband who financially supports the wife and children, while the wife stays at home or works an easier, lower paying job.

A lot of guys are uneasy about transactional sex. They see it clearly with prostitution, but are hesitant to admit it with relationships and marriage. Even with prostitution many johns like to be told by the prostitute how much they turn her on. The prostitute usually obliges as she caters to her client’s wishes. I’m sorry to burst your bubble fellas, but escorts typically bang you in exchange for cash and not for any other reason. Your girlfriend too, while she is likely attracted to you, she is also partly in it for the benefits.

We are much better off letting go of our egos and accepting female sexuality as it is rather than how we’d like it to be. This explicit distinction between transactional and attraction-based sex can help us make better decisions about our sex lives. There is nothing wrong with transactional sex in principle. Unfortunately the terms of the transaction tend to be unfavorable for men.

Let’s look at the different modes of transactional sex available to a man. First there are escorts, which I view as a mutually beneficial transaction. The advantages of escorts are:
1)    They are pros and usually good in bed and they are there to please you.
2)    The exact price is known upfront.
3)    It’s a sure thing.

Sex with a sugar mama is similar. It’s like hiring an escort on retainer, an intermediate step between prostitution and dating. Taking on a sugar mama still allows you to explicitly negotiate the terms, so I consider it a viable option.

Contrast this with dating. While dating is not the same thing as prostitution, there are clear parallels. Dating is a transactional system rigged against the man. You don’t know how many dates it’s going to take, you don’t know how much you’re going to end up spending, and you’re not guaranteed a lay at the end. She may simply drop you after a few dates. And if you do end up in a sexual relationship, she may suck in bed, and you’ll have to keep paying uncertain costs. Within casual relationships (i.e. fuck buddies) the quality of sex is also uncertain, but at least you don’t invest much.

Marriage is even worse. A wife is kind of like a prostitute with government protection. As is the case with all government protection, the protected group benefits at the expense of the consumer. Witness countless guys for whom sex dries up immediately after the wedding. In some instances your newlywed wife will even say that she need not have sex anymore since you’re married now. Then there is divorce, where you stand to lose half your assets and pay alimony, sometimes for life. Imagine how much hot escort pussy you could indulge in with all that money!

Of course, most women don’t view relationships and marriage as transactional sex. They believe that they’re allowing romance to develop and love to blossom. This is just self-delusion that keeps her from facing the unpalatable reality. Most civilian chicks don’t like to think of themselves as anything resembling a prostitute. There are women who see things clearly. With rare exception they refuse to admit it and compromise their bargaining position.

All things considered, most times it doesn’t make sense to have transactional sex with civilian chicks because the terms of the transaction suck. Only with escorts and sugar mamas does it make sense, if their services are worth the price to you and you can afford it. Admittedly I have never actually paid for sex, so I don’t have direct experience, but consider that Hollywood celebrities and rock stars, who are not lacking in civilian pussy options, still often choose to go to escorts.

Since I am aiming primarily for attraction-based sex with civilian chicks I go for it quickly and I don’t waste time and money dating. When she is sufficiently physically attracted to you, she won’t require much before giving it up, so long as she feels reasonably safe and comfortable with you and so long as you are discreet. On the other hand, dating is a great way to overpay for sex. A chick may be attracted and down to fuck, but if you ask her on a date she’ll accept and see just how much you’re willing to invest. She just hit pay dirt: a guy who she’d fuck without much investment willing to invest!

Unfortunately chicks don’t typically let on when they’re attracted to you and often proactively hide the fact. See: The Tiger Analogy. So we’re stuck with escalating physically and finding out that way. I dealt with this in detail in She’s Just Not That Into You.

So we have transactional sex via socially approved routes (dating and marriage), which tend to greatly benefit women at men’s expense. We have the players who “use women for sex,” never mind that women have agency and repeatedly choose to have sex with the players. And then we have various forms of prostitution (escorts, sugar mamas), which are mutually beneficial arrangements, but are frowned upon by society.

If you’re like me you don’t put much value on societal approval and you’re free and happy as a result. This is especially cogent in light of the fact that society cares little for you as a man. I don’t care to be “respectable,” a “gentleman,” a “real man,” etc. I am just out there looking for the best deal for me regardless of anyone’s opinion. Personally if I’m going to be banging civilian chicks I prefer for it to be mostly attraction-based. This limits me to one-night stands and casual relationships. If I ever go the transactional route it will likely be with escorts. Here are the various methods of acquiring sex in rough order of my personal preference:

1)    Attraction-based sex via one-night stands and casual relationships, so long as it does not take much effort.

2)    Sex with escorts or sugar mamas.

3)    About equal standing: Celibacy or an unusually hot and easy-going girlfriend.

4)    “Serious” dating with your average chick, even if hot.

5)    Marriage or anything resembling it, like living together.

What about love and companionship? First of all, for most men, companionship is of secondary priority as compared with sex. Men are taught to value companionship over sex, but male biology is setup in the opposite manner. It’s instructive to ask yourself how much you desire her companionship the moment after you’ve just ejaculated inside her. Another thing to reflect on: how much of a typical chick’s companionship consists of her nagging and being moody?

It is not at all clear whether wives and girlfriends, on average, are better company than escorts or sugar mamas. Loveless marriages and relationships are not at all uncommon, while escorts are known for being great company. I noticed in my own relationships that it’s not so much her company that I enjoy, but rather touching her and being in physical contact with her.

I hate to be so pragmatic and unromantic, but fake love and true companionship are services that can be obtained from a quality escort or a sugar mama. So the only thing left is “real love,” which consists of a chick missing you, wanting to spend a lot of time with you, getting jealous, feeling possessive. On the positive side it includes: her caring for you, greater intimacy within the relationship, better sex. In my opinion real love can be a good thing on balance, when you can get it from a great woman who is compatible with you, but in most cases a chick who is in love with you is more of a liability.

If you’re very lucky and you have a girlfriend with whom you have great intimacy, who doesn’t ask too much and who is sexually available and eager to please, that’s great for you. But this is rare. My point is to that we need to perform a conscious cost-benefit analysis of the various ways of obtaining sex and decide which approach works best for us. We can perform this analysis much better when we have a more realistic view of female sexuality.

She’s Just Not That Into You

The quintessential dating advice for women is “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If you are not chasing and investing in her as heavily as she likes, then she is to treat you as unworthy of attention and sex. Women don’t really need this advice since this is their natural behavior. And though it may have once served human societies, it is clearly unnecessary and harmful today. Therefore it shouldn’t be culturally reinforced. Anyway…

Your role is to pursue: call her, take her on nice dates, give her complements, buy her gifts, open doors for her, treat her like a queen, while no effort is required on her part other than to sit back, enjoy, judge your efforts, and determine your worthiness. If she’s feeling uncertain she may cancel a date at the last moment or just be hard to reach, while simultaneously giving you bits of hope here and there. Thus she sends you mixed messages, keeping you off-balance emotionally, and manipulating you to invest in her further. This is justified on the grounds of her needing to test just how badly you want her. If in a moment of sanity you say fuck this shit and quit chasing her, she’s told: “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

This is a shitty dynamic for you, my man. Sometimes you invest a lot of time and effort, but end up with nothing, which leads to frustration, disappointment, and resentment. And when you do win her over, you must continue to “prove your love.” You must continue to plan dates, buy gifts, listen to her emotional shit, etc. Nonstop.

Despite it being a shitty deal, most men fall into it by default thanks to our outdated social norms. I played this role for a long time and lost quite a bit of sleep over some ungrateful, undeserving, entitled princesses. Luckily my frustration forced me to re-examine things. It wasn’t an overnight change, but having now reflected on things, my dating advice for men is the same advice women get, but in reverse: “She’s Just Not That Into You!” Invest next to nothing and if she doesn’t put out quickly, move on.

Ideally we could sit back and let her make all the moves, but she won’t do it because female biology isn’t going to change. You’re stuck taking all the risky steps that move the interaction toward sex. This means touching her, going for the kiss, etc. But that is ALL you do: move things forward physically. If she rejects your physical advances, well… “She’s Just Not That Into You!”

There’s wiggle room for persistence. Say you put your arm around her waist and she nudges away from you. It may work if you try again in 10 minutes, but you need not bother if you don’t want to. Find your persistence threshold and quickly cut off all “non-responders” aka undeserving time wasters.

How is this persistence different from the chasing and pursuing you’re expected to do? The difference is that physical escalation is the only thing you do. You don’t try to “win her over” in any way: not by buying gifts, not by talking about her feelings, not by doing favors for her, not by going on impressive dates, not by opening doors. No courting behaviors. Try to notice when your behavior is an attempt to impress. Then cut it out. Do nothing but physical escalation.

Your mindset is “Let me make moves on her and see if she’ll fuck me quickly with little effort on my part.” Depending on your situation and preference it may make sense to go on “dates.” Not to court her, but to continue to move things forward physically and push for sex. This means you must have some place in mind where you can fuck. Otherwise don’t bother with the date.

Again you’re not there to waste spend time with her. You’re there to get laid ASAP. With this approach you never experience rejection. Sure some women won’t accept your advances, but it won’t bother you too much because you haven’t invested anything. You haven’t invested much time, energy, or money and as a result you are far less emotionally invested in the outcome.

With this approach you’ll get laid more per unit of effort invested and you’ll be happier for it. With a little bit of experience you’ll learn to weed out the time-wasters quickly, and to move interactions towards sex more directly and comfortably. By contrast the sex wasn’t even worth it when I had to jump through countless hoops to get it.

At first glance this may seem like a crass and cynical approach to dating, but that’s just our social conditioning talking. Look at reality. Do you think women care about your interests in dating? They don’t. That’s your job. By the same token, it is not your job to look out for her interests. That’s her job and she’s already doing it rather well.

All I’m really saying is women can do what’s good for them and you do what’s good for you. The only obstacle in your way is your lingering social conditioning. It can take time to overcome it, but so long as you’re conscious of true dating dynamics, you can begin to move in the right direction, the direction of your interests. If women withhold sex, then men should withhold investment. Try it, you’ll like it.

 

Selfish And Happy

[This is our first post on mating selfishness from one of our founding authors, it’s a very fine read]

I used to believe that you should “treat women right” and court them for as long as they desire, not make any moves on them until it is absolutely clear that your advances are welcome, and then if you are lucky enough to correctly guess all of her idiosyncrasies and accommodate them, well then you might even get to have sex with her!

It was with this mindset that I tried to find a girlfriend in high school. The first girl I ever asked out was super-friendly and pleasant with me. I invited her to hang out at the beach, she said she was “busy.” I knew I was rejected and it was painful. I went to the beach with my friends instead and guess who I run into?

The next girl I asked out, it was a similar story. Like many guys asking a girl out was pretty nerve-wrecking. I had to gather courage and prepare for days before I could do it. It was the kind of anxiety people get before speaking in public. The rejections I received were emotionally devastating, but I knew it was my role and so I accepted it.

Finally my senior year of high school I managed to find a girl who accepted my pedesatlizng and she became my girlfriend. The funny thing is that unlike the first two girls she behaved totally neutral towards me before I asked her out. Not hostile, but not particularly welcoming either. Nothing that could be interpreted as a sign of romantic interest.

That was my first lesson: some girls will be nice and pleasant and will do things that seem to indicate interest, but when you make moves on them, they will flat out reject you and may even act appalled that you would dare think they were ever interested. “I only think of you as a friend!” This has been confirmed in my own dating experience since, and in the dating experience of my friends.

That is not to say that some girls who act interested are in fact interested and some girls who act disinterested are in fact disinterested. For the average guy who doesn’t have an unusually high amount of experience with women it’s a guessing game, which is fine, except men are expected to be mind readers and to be able to perfectly discern the signals of the particular special snowflake they’re dealing with. In addition, some girls act interested in order to mislead and get romantic attention from you, the female equivalent of a guy leading a girl on in order to get sex.

Now back to my first girlfriend. Yeah I was getting laid, which is a big deal for a horny male teenager, but my whole goddamn life revolved around accommodating her moods and whims. My parents and my brother hated her, but I defended her non-existent honor with fervor. You couldn’t tell me shit. Whatever she wanted was right!

My overly-accommodating behavior stemmed for the idea that women’s feelings, desires, and needs are more important than men’s. But why should that be? I think there is a biological component to it. I believe it’s wired into most men’s brains to please women, but that’s not the whole story. Feminist ideology and our culture at large exploits this innate male predisposition and forces men into specific, female-approved dating roles.

Feminists don’t like traditional gender roles and I couldn’t agree more. As a man I reject my traditional role as provider and accommodater of women’s desires. Your job in life and dating need not be woman-pleasing. Feel free to reject any and all expectations that don’t suit YOUR goals and YOUR desires. Since women rarely ask guys out, you are already doing more than your fair share in dating just by asking her out. So since you are kind of forced to do that, focus on getting what YOU want out of the relationship.

For example, I reject the idea of going on elaborate dates. The most I do is coffee or a walk in the park. No dinners at my expense. I try to make sex happen ASAP and if it doesn’t happen after 3 dates (give or take), I am done with that girl. Once we’re having sex, I keep the relationship primarily about sex and a little bit of companionship because that is all I want.

I am not there to entertain her or romance her. That is not what *I* want. I don’t plan any special dates or anything of the sort. I have a friend who drives his girlfriend to and from work every morning. He doesn’t want to, but he feels he has to. Well it’s too bad he feels that way. He’d be a lot happier if he didn’t.

Actually lately I don’t bother with any dates at all. Occasionally I invite girls over to my place and if they don’t want to come over, that’s fine. I haven’t gotten laid once in the past year. Do I feel like loser? Nope. I might have in the past, but not anymore. Whether you’re getting laid or have a girlfriend is not a measure of your manhood or a reflection on you as a person. Porn is a fine substitute. That’s why feminists and many women rally against it so hard. (Not because it “exploits” women).

It may sound like my message to men is to be selfish. That is exactly my message. Don’t feel bad about it. If you step back for a moment and evaluate the situation, you may notice that we are just matching the selfishness of women. You’re just leveling the playing field and there isn’t a damn thing wrong with that. I am not saying you should conduct your affairs with women in the particular way that I do mine. Rather I encourage you to be honest with yourself about your needs and desires, prioritize what it is that YOU want, and don’t compromise.

Ever since I have adopted this selfish approach to dating, I have been immeasurably happier. It has liberating to shed all responsibilities that have been placed on me without my consent. For the man frustrated with his dating life, I hope this will help you see the root of your frustrations. It’s not you, it’s them! Or at the very least, it’s you AND them. I suggest you ease up on yourself stop blaming yourself for your “dating failures.” It takes two to tango and presently it’s mostly men on the dancefloor.