She’s Just Not That Into You

The quintessential dating advice for women is “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If you are not chasing and investing in her as heavily as she likes, then she is to treat you as unworthy of attention and sex. Women don’t really need this advice since this is their natural behavior. And though it may have once served human societies, it is clearly unnecessary and harmful today. Therefore it shouldn’t be culturally reinforced. Anyway…

Your role is to pursue: call her, take her on nice dates, give her complements, buy her gifts, open doors for her, treat her like a queen, while no effort is required on her part other than to sit back, enjoy, judge your efforts, and determine your worthiness. If she’s feeling uncertain she may cancel a date at the last moment or just be hard to reach, while simultaneously giving you bits of hope here and there. Thus she sends you mixed messages, keeping you off-balance emotionally, and manipulating you to invest in her further. This is justified on the grounds of her needing to test just how badly you want her. If in a moment of sanity you say fuck this shit and quit chasing her, she’s told: “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

This is a shitty dynamic for you, my man. Sometimes you invest a lot of time and effort, but end up with nothing, which leads to frustration, disappointment, and resentment. And when you do win her over, you must continue to “prove your love.” You must continue to plan dates, buy gifts, listen to her emotional shit, etc. Nonstop.

Despite it being a shitty deal, most men fall into it by default thanks to our outdated social norms. I played this role for a long time and lost quite a bit of sleep over some ungrateful, undeserving, entitled princesses. Luckily my frustration forced me to re-examine things. It wasn’t an overnight change, but having now reflected on things, my dating advice for men is the same advice women get, but in reverse: “She’s Just Not That Into You!” Invest next to nothing and if she doesn’t put out quickly, move on.

Ideally we could sit back and let her make all the moves, but she won’t do it because female biology isn’t going to change. You’re stuck taking all the risky steps that move the interaction toward sex. This means touching her, going for the kiss, etc. But that is ALL you do: move things forward physically. If she rejects your physical advances, well… “She’s Just Not That Into You!”

There’s wiggle room for persistence. Say you put your arm around her waist and she nudges away from you. It may work if you try again in 10 minutes, but you need not bother if you don’t want to. Find your persistence threshold and quickly cut off all “non-responders” aka undeserving time wasters.

How is this persistence different from the chasing and pursuing you’re expected to do? The difference is that physical escalation is the only thing you do. You don’t try to “win her over” in any way: not by buying gifts, not by talking about her feelings, not by doing favors for her, not by going on impressive dates, not by opening doors. No courting behaviors. Try to notice when your behavior is an attempt to impress. Then cut it out. Do nothing but physical escalation.

Your mindset is “Let me make moves on her and see if she’ll fuck me quickly with little effort on my part.” Depending on your situation and preference it may make sense to go on “dates.” Not to court her, but to continue to move things forward physically and push for sex. This means you must have some place in mind where you can fuck. Otherwise don’t bother with the date.

Again you’re not there to waste spend time with her. You’re there to get laid ASAP. With this approach you never experience rejection. Sure some women won’t accept your advances, but it won’t bother you too much because you haven’t invested anything. You haven’t invested much time, energy, or money and as a result you are far less emotionally invested in the outcome.

With this approach you’ll get laid more per unit of effort invested and you’ll be happier for it. With a little bit of experience you’ll learn to weed out the time-wasters quickly, and to move interactions towards sex more directly and comfortably. By contrast the sex wasn’t even worth it when I had to jump through countless hoops to get it.

At first glance this may seem like a crass and cynical approach to dating, but that’s just our social conditioning talking. Look at reality. Do you think women care about your interests in dating? They don’t. That’s your job. By the same token, it is not your job to look out for her interests. That’s her job and she’s already doing it rather well.

All I’m really saying is women can do what’s good for them and you do what’s good for you. The only obstacle in your way is your lingering social conditioning. It can take time to overcome it, but so long as you’re conscious of true dating dynamics, you can begin to move in the right direction, the direction of your interests. If women withhold sex, then men should withhold investment. Try it, you’ll like it.