[This is our first post on mating selfishness from one of our founding authors, it’s a very fine read]
I used to believe that you should “treat women right” and court them for as long as they desire, not make any moves on them until it is absolutely clear that your advances are welcome, and then if you are lucky enough to correctly guess all of her idiosyncrasies and accommodate them, well then you might even get to have sex with her!
It was with this mindset that I tried to find a girlfriend in high school. The first girl I ever asked out was super-friendly and pleasant with me. I invited her to hang out at the beach, she said she was “busy.” I knew I was rejected and it was painful. I went to the beach with my friends instead and guess who I run into?
The next girl I asked out, it was a similar story. Like many guys asking a girl out was pretty nerve-wrecking. I had to gather courage and prepare for days before I could do it. It was the kind of anxiety people get before speaking in public. The rejections I received were emotionally devastating, but I knew it was my role and so I accepted it.
Finally my senior year of high school I managed to find a girl who accepted my pedesatlizng and she became my girlfriend. The funny thing is that unlike the first two girls she behaved totally neutral towards me before I asked her out. Not hostile, but not particularly welcoming either. Nothing that could be interpreted as a sign of romantic interest.
That was my first lesson: some girls will be nice and pleasant and will do things that seem to indicate interest, but when you make moves on them, they will flat out reject you and may even act appalled that you would dare think they were ever interested. “I only think of you as a friend!” This has been confirmed in my own dating experience since, and in the dating experience of my friends.
That is not to say that some girls who act interested are in fact interested and some girls who act disinterested are in fact disinterested. For the average guy who doesn’t have an unusually high amount of experience with women it’s a guessing game, which is fine, except men are expected to be mind readers and to be able to perfectly discern the signals of the particular special snowflake they’re dealing with. In addition, some girls act interested in order to mislead and get romantic attention from you, the female equivalent of a guy leading a girl on in order to get sex.
Now back to my first girlfriend. Yeah I was getting laid, which is a big deal for a horny male teenager, but my whole goddamn life revolved around accommodating her moods and whims. My parents and my brother hated her, but I defended her non-existent honor with fervor. You couldn’t tell me shit. Whatever she wanted was right!
My overly-accommodating behavior stemmed for the idea that women’s feelings, desires, and needs are more important than men’s. But why should that be? I think there is a biological component to it. I believe it’s wired into most men’s brains to please women, but that’s not the whole story. Feminist ideology and our culture at large exploits this innate male predisposition and forces men into specific, female-approved dating roles.
Feminists don’t like traditional gender roles and I couldn’t agree more. As a man I reject my traditional role as provider and accommodater of women’s desires. Your job in life and dating need not be woman-pleasing. Feel free to reject any and all expectations that don’t suit YOUR goals and YOUR desires. Since women rarely ask guys out, you are already doing more than your fair share in dating just by asking her out. So since you are kind of forced to do that, focus on getting what YOU want out of the relationship.
For example, I reject the idea of going on elaborate dates. The most I do is coffee or a walk in the park. No dinners at my expense. I try to make sex happen ASAP and if it doesn’t happen after 3 dates (give or take), I am done with that girl. Once we’re having sex, I keep the relationship primarily about sex and a little bit of companionship because that is all I want.
I am not there to entertain her or romance her. That is not what *I* want. I don’t plan any special dates or anything of the sort. I have a friend who drives his girlfriend to and from work every morning. He doesn’t want to, but he feels he has to. Well it’s too bad he feels that way. He’d be a lot happier if he didn’t.
Actually lately I don’t bother with any dates at all. Occasionally I invite girls over to my place and if they don’t want to come over, that’s fine. I haven’t gotten laid once in the past year. Do I feel like loser? Nope. I might have in the past, but not anymore. Whether you’re getting laid or have a girlfriend is not a measure of your manhood or a reflection on you as a person. Porn is a fine substitute. That’s why feminists and many women rally against it so hard. (Not because it “exploits” women).
It may sound like my message to men is to be selfish. That is exactly my message. Don’t feel bad about it. If you step back for a moment and evaluate the situation, you may notice that we are just matching the selfishness of women. You’re just leveling the playing field and there isn’t a damn thing wrong with that. I am not saying you should conduct your affairs with women in the particular way that I do mine. Rather I encourage you to be honest with yourself about your needs and desires, prioritize what it is that YOU want, and don’t compromise.
Ever since I have adopted this selfish approach to dating, I have been immeasurably happier. It has liberating to shed all responsibilities that have been placed on me without my consent. For the man frustrated with his dating life, I hope this will help you see the root of your frustrations. It’s not you, it’s them! Or at the very least, it’s you AND them. I suggest you ease up on yourself stop blaming yourself for your “dating failures.” It takes two to tango and presently it’s mostly men on the dancefloor.